


I AM A QUESTION MARK

by Devilintome



Category: Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies)
Genre: Depressed Peter Parker, Depression, Father-Son Relationship, Gen, Sad, Suicide, Tony Stark Acting as Peter Parker's Parental Figure
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-03
Updated: 2020-03-03
Packaged: 2021-02-23 00:28:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,393
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23002834
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Devilintome/pseuds/Devilintome
Summary: "What is the meaning of life? Could the meaning of life be the lack of meaning of life?" Peter finally said. Without breaking away from the water."Why do you ask?" Tony asked quietly"Just curious." Was he really...?Or Peter is struggling with questions but no answer.He slowly gets lost in it.__________________________________
Relationships: Peter Parker & Tony Stark
Comments: 12
Kudos: 92





	I AM A QUESTION MARK

He's forgotten how it rain smells at 3:00 in the morning... and yet he lies here inertly on a damp mattress enjoying this humid air. He's supposedly older, supposedly more mature and supposedly more is expected of him. But nothing has changed... It all started to crash. Everybody went forward and with that he feels a huge emptiness. It's like a glass of water. Even though it's filled in water it will be empty anyway... It's shrinking slowly inside with pain. At night everything is so mysterious and dark... it is the best timle to cry. No one can't see the tears, no one can't hear the weeping... Everyone is sleeping... Except him...He suffering... He could say he's already lived through everything but he doesn't really know what will happen to him tomorrow... No one does. There are various surprises waiting on the road and they are not always nice. He's a wreck. It burns out like a fire and every breath hurts and the next day slowly kills...

He's used to it, namely pain, sadness, disappointment, abandonment... He never shows it in the end... or maybe he just hasn't seen the other side of the colorful days? Every day anyway, he wears a mask that confirms that everything is okay, although deep down he really screams for help... Until now, no one has guessed and life went along these tracks. But overnight he has had enough and is not able to say how much more he can stand... Evening emotional breakdowns are killing him... looking in the mirror makes him think of the worst thoughts that he accepts with every hour. He hardly gets up from bed because he has to put all his energy into it, which he barely has. Why should he get up?

Everything's changed. They all went on. Everybody was building a new life. Mr. Stark had a family, May was dating Happy, and his half of the class was students... They went without him. He wasn't angry, he just felt like he didn't belong anywhere anymore, but he never mentioned it, he could not the destroy what they had already sown and they were happy about it. He had no right to do that, so he went on. Only the more he tried to keep up, the more he stood still. The situation is like on a treadmill..... They will always be 2 steps ahead of him and there is nothing he can do about it. He just goes off. They don't need him. Has he ever been? Will he ever find his place? He's crazy. ...staggering in a vicious circle...

He didn't know how much he sat in the rain, but in the end, he went back to his apartment. The last time he looked at the lake where the raindrops were knocking. Where each drop made a different sound. He listened for the last time and left... He didn't want to go, but he had to... He didn't want to leave the only place, the only feeling, where he didn't have to pretend... ...but he had to. Does he always have to...?

____________________________________________

One night at Tony's dinner at the lake house. Peter was lying on his belly on the porch, gently moving his hand over the water. It was a quiet evening with a clear sky and glowing stars over his head, which even bounced off the lake. However, his mind was cloudy, dark without any visible glow. He was locked in his head with his troubling thoughts. He doesn't want to be there alone. He's afraid. And yet he lies far away playing with the water that spills through his fingers... The water is calm, the water is good, underwater is quiet... Maybe he should?

After a few minutes in a dilemma and torment, he heard steps. However, he did not turn around, there was no need, at least he did not feel such a need. However, he saw the silhouette sit next to him and it was Tony. He didn't say anything, he just sat with him in complete silence. On the one hand, Peter felt like crying, he didn't know why he just felt he had to... He also felt that sometimes it's better to keep quiet than to tell others what you feel. It only hurts more if you know that they can hear you, but no one can understand what you're going through... Or do they know?

"What is the meaning of life? Could the meaning of life be the lack of meaning of life?" Peter finally said. Without breaking away from the water. 

"Why do you ask?" Tony asked quietly 

"Just curious." Was he really...?

"You don't need to know all the answers. They come when we least expect them."Tony whispered so he could hear. With that speech, there was a deep silence...

____________________________________________  
Next week, Peter was in the tower. He was helping Rhody fix his prosthetic legs. He was far from consciousness, focused on only one. He couldn't hear anything around him except his heartbeat. Then he knows he's really still alive. He didn't say anything. You might say that Rhodey was a little surprised by his silence, too, but he didn't say anything... 

Then another question came up on his tongue... 

"If your life was a movie, what title would fit him?" Peter kept tinkering at his feet and didn't raise his eyes, and even if he did, he'd know that Rhodey was looking at him with curiosity...

"Hmmm, I think it would be the title "Upstairs" That made Peter even more curious. He didn't really expect such a simple answers.

"Why?"

"Because in the beginning you always go uphill, with every kilometer you go, you have great views.But you're going to get off anyway. And yours?"

"The last question..." That's the title that would fit Peter best. There's always the last question, but is there alwaysa last answer?

The silence has taken over again. But it seemed right... After all, words are not always necessary.

____________________________________________

Another day, another challenge. Another thought and another question. He never closed his brain, he even looked for the most overwhelming questions he had to face...

After school, as usual before the snap. Happy came for Peter. He didn't say anything, he just got in the car. He was looking into the window, sliding his eyes over the trees and pretended not to see troubled eyesight in the mirror Happy was sending him. It was just that the silence seemed right... But surely?

"Can you lie without words. I mean in silence?" Peter broke the silence with his voice. 

"Why do you ask that?" Happy wrinkled his eyebrows peeking at him.

"Just out of curiosity," he still showed no emotion. 

"That depends..." Happy didn't add anything else, but he saw that he was thinking about it.

No one in the car has spoken for the rest of the ride. Nevertheless, Peter asked himself a question... What does it depend on?

____________________________________________

Peter didn't realize that he was slowly losing his mind. More and more questions and no answers... 

He was sitting with May in his apartment watching a movie called "The stars of our wine." He was calm, he was focused. And that was enough.. But surely for him?

"Crying is a sign of strength or weakness?" he was sitting there staring at the screen, he felt his lips were moving by themselves, throwing themselves into the wind. 

"And how do you think it is?" she asked him herself. She left him unanswered.

He doesn't know... He doesn't really know anything anymore...

____________________________________________

"Do you live and exist it's the same meaning?" Peter asked Pepper one day. He helped her in the kitchen by cutting various vegetables. Too focused to break away.

"You have to exist to live," Pepper replied by doing other things in the kitchen. 

That wasn't the answer to his question, but he didn't mention it. He gave it up...

____________________________________________

Peter was currently at Tony's for dinner. Morgan was sitting next to him and May on his right. Rhodey, Happy, Pepper and Tony in front of them. Everyone was talking around the table, but he didn't turn on. He was quiet... Or maybe not ? 

"Do you have to change to be yourself?" he burned out from yes 

"Where does it come from, kid?" Tony wrinkled his eyebrows at him and his voice was even worried. 

"I just think..." he was drinking a sip of juice. 

"You think too much, Petey. Sometimes you just have to turn off." Morga said what surprised him." Sometimes you have to build a future based on the past. How else to learn from your mistakes?" 

Everyone looked at her with pride in their eyes... A five-year-old who says that... 

But how else can you learn from your mistakes, afraid to make them? Is he afraid? Was that a suggestion? Or was it an answer?

"Is it worth looking for the truth among the lies?" He can't stop, he just wants answers to act but how? 

"Peter enough." May raised her voice a little so as not to scare Morgan, but he shuddered anyway. 

"What's gotten into you lately?" 

"May calmly "Happy was trying 

"No, no calmly. What's happening to you?" May raw eyesight was piercing him.

"No...Nothing's happening." His voice broke down a little. He couldn't avoid everyone looking at him except Morgan, who was in her world. 

"You've been asking too many questions lately, pal. Why do you think so much?" Rhodey pointed a finger at his head. Tony was looking at him with an unreadable facial expression. 

Did he let him down?

"It's just that... I'm just...just curious." He started shaking a little. 

"Peter, you have to stop this. See, everyone's happy. It's all worked out. Nothing's happening. And you... What doesn't suit you." May injected a little more calmly.

It hurt Peter, but does the truth always hurt? She is right. Everything's fine, but he in the way, destroying it with his dark mind. All he could do was swallow it all and use his mask.

"I'm so sorry, I just read too much on the Internet." He tried to sound as honest as possible and he think they believed it... but did Tony catch him? He's never looked at him like that before today. Was there any worry, anxiety or disappointment? 

"You need a little rest, Pete. Time will show you what life brings." She added Pepper taking a bite of salad.

"You're still young. You'll still have questions. Don't burden your brain." Happy gave him a fleeting glimpse

"I agree" Rhodey confirmed

"I heard you write down..." May started to change the subject, but he didn't hear... He was underwater. Tears gently flooded his eyes, but he still looked up to meet Tony's eyes. They were sad and interesting... He had a wrinkled face, but he never left his sight.

____________________________________________

When lunch was over. May, Happy and Peter they started getting ready to leave. 

They were supposed to come home when Tony proposed that Peter stay with them for the weekend. 

May expressed relief on her face. But why? Was he really an obstacle? He only overheard a few sentences that he and she exchanged.

"Thank you, Tony." She hugged him. 

"No problem May, we'll solve it." He hugged back and said goodbye. 

Unfortunately, Peter stood still not knowing what to do with himself. But he didn't have to wait long. 

"Come on." Tony came up to him, threw his hand over his shoulder.

"Where?" Stop asking questions. 

"Does it matter? " He raised his eyebrow Is it? 

"I don't think so." sighing

"Let's go." 

"What about Morgan and Rhodey and Pepper?" 

"Peter, stop. Everything is fine." 

He needs help. But how is he going to ask? How is he gonna do that? Can't he stop? His life is a big question mark...

____________________________________________

They were walking through the forest. Curved roads, which at certain moments ascended and descended. The silent rustling of the leaves, which fell into his ears and blew his mind. But did they all? 

The smell of tree bark hit his nose. He closed his eyes but continued to walk, slowly, enjoying the fresh air. They did not speak for about 30 minutes and he was grateful for that because he did not know what to say. But Tony never let go of his arm. He seemed relaxed by this spontaneous trip... 

"Where are we?" Peter couldn't take it anymore, he had to ask. 

"Why do you want to know?" Tony said. 

"Because I want ." 

"I want a lot of things too, and I don't have them." 

"You have everything, you're a billionaire." 

"But does the billionaire mean everything?"

"Where did you get that idea?"

"I'm just curious." Tony said with a little smile. Did he quote Peter? Was that a lesson? 

"You know what?" "Tony asked again 

"What?" Peter was a little confused 

"Nothing" 

"Uhh...what was that?" It was weird.

"Just nothing. Enjoy it." After that, Tony led him along a trail until they reached the sea.

Peter was in shock. Is that possible? Oh, it was possible.

"How beautiful it is here" said Peter quietly. But he was right, it was beautiful. The sunset had all the colors. They were bouncing off the sea and the light waves were bouncing off the coast.

"Yes it is." Tony confirmed and then grabbed his hand this time and pulled. 

"Why..." he was cut off

"Ah ah ah ... no questions. Just take off your shoes now and close your eyes."

Peter listened and took off his shoes, but he didn't close his eyes. 

"Close your eyes" Tony repeated

"I'm scared" 

"Why?" 

Peter didn't answer. But Mr. Stark didn't push.

"Do you trust me?" 

"What kind of question is that? Of course I trust you. I always trust you, above all else."

Tony smiled at him tenderly and combed his hair with his hand. 

"Then trust me this time too."

Nothing happened for a while. He just stood there but suddenly light waves covered his feet. The water was cold, literally icy, but it was a pleasant feeling... And for moments he really didn't ask himself questions, he could only focus on the cold feeling. 

He stood there for less than 10 minutes until Tony pulled him off the waves. They sat down on the sand and they both watched the sun slowly hide.

"So...now the conversation" Tony turned around and looked at him waiting. 

How was he supposed to say that? What was he supposed to say? Fucking questions again, why?

"So i'm listen" that's all Peter was able to say. "No, I'm the one listening... Tell me what's going on in your head, kid." He felt like Tony knew.

"Nothing interesting, it just is."

"I guess too much of that word." 

"It's okay." 

"No, it isn't. Please let me come into your head, kid." 

"Better not because you'll drown with me" he whispered quietly. "I just wants answers. I just want to know..." 

"Maybe sometimes it's worth giving yourself an answer and moving on..." Tony answered.

Whatever happens, he has to say it. Tony's a great best. (No) Dad he could only dream of. 

"I love you, Tony." Then Peter leaned on his shoulder. And that was definitely not a question. He really loved him. 

"I love you too, buddy." Tony pressed his mouth against his forehead. The silence of the seemed right.

He was sure of one thing. At that moment, he felt calm.

____________________________________________  
A few weeks later he was on the edge of everything. Nothing has changed with him. He was falling more and more. There was no way out. He has to ask for help. May and Happy were sitting in the living room watching a movie. He just had to come up and say. Nothing easier, he just has to say.

"May?" he said a little bit insecurely. 

"Yes?" she didn't even look at him. 

"Can we talk." Please help me! 

"Can you wait until the movie is over?" she replied gently. 

"Did something happen?" Happy added

"N...no, yes, it can wait." It's all wrong, it's all wrong...  
____________________________________________

He sat on the bed and pulled out the phone and dialed. One signal, two signals, three signals... he was about to hang up, but at the last minute he answered the phone.

"Tony?" 

"Hey kid, what's up?" You could hear him busy in the background. 

"Can we talk?" 

"Sure, what's up?"

"I wanted you to...

"Daddy?" He heard morgan on the phone, which probably went into his workshop.

"Wait, Petey." Tony said quickly, and Peter was just listening. 

"Mommy, says to help her with those boxes. Otherwise, she'll burn everything." Morgan giggles.

"Shit! Uhh, good. Tell her I'm goin'." Tony giggled nervously. "Sorry, kid, we can talk later. You understand the situation emergency."

Mine too ... But I don't think it makes sense anymore...

"Heh, I understand there are no jokes with Pepper. We'll talk... We'll talk later."

Or never again... And the tears have spilled.

"Thanks Pete. I promise it won't take long!"

"No, it's okay. Take your time. See you" Then he hung up without telling Tony. If there was anything else he wanted to add. 

Peter walked up to his desk and took out the card.

Hey, I'm only leaving this one because I don't want you guys to blame yourself. It's only my fault because I couldn't communicate. I lived locked up, locked in my head. I thought I could handle it... Unfortunately, I can't do this anymore. I'm in pain and it hurts. I only regret that you've been through so much, I've been terrible and you've been patient. But I believe that this was not one of the worst moments for you and you will remember me well, although I have no right to expect that from you. 

May thank you that you brought me up and loved me as your own even though you never asked for it. I love you and don't blame yourself.  
Happy, maybe our relationship wasn't very good at first, I annoyed you and I'm sorry for that. But in the end you liked me and we made a pretty good team. I can honestly pass it on... I love you, Happy. I can tell you've been like an uncle. Thank you for that. Take care of May.

Tony... Thank you for the sunshine again in my life. You've taught me how to breathe. You were always with me when I needed you. You never let me down even though I've fucked up a few times. But most importantly... I'll never forget your smile, which motivated me to be a better person, I would never know how to repay you. I love you like the dad I've always missed in my life and the moments I spent with you were the best time I could ask for. I don't know what else to say. Sometimes it's better to keep quiet. But know that I love you most in the world.  
Apologize to me, Morgan, but don't tell her what happened. I'm sure you'll come up with a good excuse. Of course apologize to Pepper and Rhody for me too. They accepted me even if they didn't have to. I could proudly and honorably call them Mom and another honorable Uncle. I love you and thank you again. Don't blame it, all on me. After that, Peter put the letter on his desk. 

He went up to the shelf and took a whole bottle of strong painkillers.

"Will I finally be happy?"

That was the last question he asked before he emptied the entire bottle of strong painkillers with water. Now all he had to do was wait. So he laid down on the bed and covered it up. He looked like he was just taking a nap. It's over... ____________________________________________

Tony's phone started ringing 

"Wait Pep, I have to take this.I promised the child that I would call back" Only it wasn't Peter, it was May

"Hi May, what's up?" 

"Tony..." May was just crying on the phone.

____________________________________________

The sun's already extinguishing its golden glow.  
In a moment the sky will shine with the charm of stars.  
Good night...  
Good night...  
Good night, now...


End file.
